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26 December 2011 @ 02:07 am
it's okay not to be okay  
Yesterday was an interesting day. There were so many reasons it could have been a bad day, but it turned out okay. Actually the whole weekend did. I'm sad right now, but it's more because I miss my Nana. I literally feel like a part of me is missing. She meant the world to me. And then my mom dropped a bombshell on me about my Mimi...she's dying too. I'm probably going to lose both of my grandmothers in the timespan of one year. That's a very sobering thought. But you know I still have my Papa. He's still here and we're holding each other's hand through our mutual grief over my Nana's death. This Christmas was our first one without her and it was hard, everytime he told a story or one of us began to cry we would hold each other's hand and squeeze. I have never felt more comforted in this entire ordeal. I call him all the time, almost every day. I'm not going to have the same regrets I had with my Nana. I'm just not.

Friday was wonderful in so many ways. I've started going to this club and singing occasionally. I'm one of the youngest ones there, it's more like a live music, jazz lounge type thing and yet, I feel like these are my people. I love how in place I feel there. I never feel like I have to hide or be anything but myself and it's wonderful. And the lead singer of the featured band thinks I'm talented and wants to work with ME. It's a nice ego boost. I like to stay from the beginning of their set at 9:30 until the end at 1:30. It's a great four hours. I don't feel pressured to drink or act a fool like the rest of my friends are doing. I'm just a girl surrounded by people who love music as much as she does. I think I'm going to go there every Friday :). You know nothing could bring me down that night.

My book bloghas been launched as of NOW. I don't know if you want to follow it or not, but if you do please feel free. I'm really enjoying doing it. I'm reviewing a variety of books.

My paranoia is still there, but I'm getting better. Things took a turn for the worst due to a lot of circumstances, but now? I'm kind of okay. I'm getting where I need to be. I'm realizing who I need around and who I want around. And if you don't want to be around then *points* there's the door.

I think that's all.

Current Location: sitting with eleanor
Current Mood: contentcontent
Current Music: Lightweight by Demi Lovato
inadaze22: Sherlock (bbc) - Readinginadaze22 on December 26th, 2011 01:01 pm (UTC)
Well good for you! The jazz thing sounds pretty cool and of course someone wants to work with you, you can sing. Holidays are hard when you lose people. I'd say they get easier, and they might, but you'll always miss that person. We were talking about my grandma last night while at my aunt's and cracking up because my sister looks and acts so much like her, which is crazy because the two have never met. But the point is I think you guys will get to the point where memories don't make you so sad, they'll make you smile and cackle and miss them a little, but not be too miserable. Just believe it. :)
chaseee123chaseee123 on December 27th, 2011 12:30 am (UTC)
I'm glad you feel so at home at the jazz lounge place, hopefully you keep getting the positive feelings out of it and you can share your love for music. and *ahem, enjoy the scenery. (the lead singer) rofl =P
most adorable zombie ever: TW - Lydia - my ginger princessscorpiod1 on December 27th, 2011 06:12 am (UTC)
I'm glad you found the jazz place, it sounds like such a lovely and comfortable place <33333333
GLmind_detonator on December 27th, 2011 06:38 pm (UTC)
I'm so glad you're feeling better *huggles*
Katie the Blue Kittenkatayla on December 28th, 2011 06:03 am (UTC)
*hugs* Hope things keep looking up! That club sounds great!
just a girl: bones. temprence.brennan » i talk to you_touched on December 31st, 2011 12:28 am (UTC)
I don't think I remember saying that I didn't want to be around, you know I'm always here if you need or want to talk.